Sunday nite Tim and I went to see the cirque de soliel. Originally, Tami and I were going to, but then Mom found out, and I got her a ticket as well. Of course, this was all before the bottom droped out from under us nearly 2 weeks ago. In the end, Mom was hooked up to an IV, literally fighting for her life; and Tami wasn't in the mood to go. It was a melancholy night to be sure. It was fascinating to be sure, but I couldn't help but think how much life has changed since the tickets were bought. I couldn't help but to think how Mom would have loved that show; she had always wanted to see them, and she was so excited when I told her I got her a ticket...There were so many times I wanted to turn to her and say "we could do that" knowing full well that would be as far as it ever was to go. She always told me she wanted to be in the circus, and now as I sat there and watched the show thinking of her now; I realized it would have suited her to a T. The extreme hulla-hooper may have even brought tears to my eyes, she used to be incredulous that I couldn't do it, but she was so good at it. And the strangest thing about my sadness was that Mom was lying in her bed in the hospice unit much stronger than she had been in days past...
I've come to believe that faith makes the grieving process complicated; at least for those who are without it looking in, some tell me I'm in denial, others don't know what to make of me. "We do not mourn as those who have no hope" never really made sense until now. I really can't imagine going through all this, without that faith that sustains me day after day. I was talking to a woman who just recently lost her husband, she isn't a believer. She had no hope at all. It was the saddest thing to hear her say things like "it just breaks my heart that I'll never see him again". Wow that would be devastating indeed!! Those days when I'm inconsolable and I'm dreading that final day where I will have to say goodbye for good; sometimes the only comfort I can muster is knowing I will see her again and she will finally be pain free. I'm looking forward to that day!
