G and I were out weeding tonight. He was being exceptionally loud so I asked him:
"G, why are you yelling?"
"I'm not yelling, I'm being loud so when Grandma looks down from heaven she can hear my jokes and laugh at them with us. I miss Grandma Molyneaux."
And just like that the conversation was over and he was on to something else....
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
hmm...heaven?
I miss Mom, but as much as I long for her; I wouldn't necessarily wish that she were here. That sounds so strange and peculiar but there it is. Tonight on the way home, I heard a different kind of song about someone who passed away. Instead of talking of our grief, it is from the perspective of Heaven. It talks of how that person is "runs with the angels on streets made of gold...listen to stories of saints new and old..." The title of the song is called "wish you were here". I never thought of it that way. That while we are down here grieving losing her, she is up in Heaven, waiting for the day for us to arrive and show us around. It just makes me smile to think of her chatting up the likes of Corrie and the apostle Paul.
I still get sad at things that she will experience or see. For example, and this sounds absurd to put it into words, but I was very upset that she passed away before I was able to take Wy for his first professional photos. She was never able to hold, what I hope, will be beautiful portraits and oogle over her grandson. It sounds absurd not because she held the real baby but because I am so wrapped up in this temporal world that I still think a picture is going to be a comfort to her. The point is that she now walks with the Great Comforter. She needs no temporary comfort now, she is without pain and is in the presence of her God. I find that so hard to fathom. Many times throughout the day, I find myself wondering how one occupies their time in heaven. I know the Bible says we will worship, but again my finite mind takes over and I think "all the time?" But my mom knows now.
I still get sad at things that she will experience or see. For example, and this sounds absurd to put it into words, but I was very upset that she passed away before I was able to take Wy for his first professional photos. She was never able to hold, what I hope, will be beautiful portraits and oogle over her grandson. It sounds absurd not because she held the real baby but because I am so wrapped up in this temporal world that I still think a picture is going to be a comfort to her. The point is that she now walks with the Great Comforter. She needs no temporary comfort now, she is without pain and is in the presence of her God. I find that so hard to fathom. Many times throughout the day, I find myself wondering how one occupies their time in heaven. I know the Bible says we will worship, but again my finite mind takes over and I think "all the time?" But my mom knows now.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Sporting Mom's Jewelry
Wyatt wearing some beads...
I tried to put on all the jewelry I was taking.... but it was getting mighty confusing. So I gave up and put the rest away.
The earrings were difficult to display since I only have a total of 4 holes.
A new trend......one pair, one ear...marvelous!!!
Can't quite say what Mom would have said but it would have made her smile.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Feel Better Gifts
Garrett: "Mommy we should go check on your mommy" Garrett never got that Mom was also his beloved Grandma.
"G, my mom was Grandma"
"Oh Mommy I'm so sorry" he said as he put his hand on my leg.
"And Grandpa is my daddy"
"Grandpa must be very sad that he lost Grandma"(Lost is a very abstract concept for a 3 yr old, when all we've said is dead) "Tomorrow I will take Grandpa something special to make him feel better"
So after the burial, at lunch, Garrett gave Grandpa a piece of bubble gum. A very special piece of bubble gum.
"G, my mom was Grandma"
"Oh Mommy I'm so sorry" he said as he put his hand on my leg.
"And Grandpa is my daddy"
"Grandpa must be very sad that he lost Grandma"(Lost is a very abstract concept for a 3 yr old, when all we've said is dead) "Tomorrow I will take Grandpa something special to make him feel better"
So after the burial, at lunch, Garrett gave Grandpa a piece of bubble gum. A very special piece of bubble gum.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
more...
"Garrett, tomorrow we are going to the cemtery to bury Grandma's body. But she's not there because she is already in Heaven with her Mommy and Daddy, and other friends and most importantly she's with God."
His eyes lit up "Are we going to Heaven tomorrow too?"
His eyes lit up "Are we going to Heaven tomorrow too?"
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
On my Mom....
Growing up, I always joked with everyone that I was Mom's favorite. Maybe it was because I was her baby or maybe it was because I had been so sick as an infant. But for whatever the reason was, I was sheltered and protected. I remember once in college, calling to rant about some injustice and her offering to intercede on my behalf. She has even offered to do this as late as my current job. I don't think it was that she didn't think I was incapable of handling it on my own, but rather I was her baby no matter how old I was or how my own family was growing. I have long ago stopped accepting her even though she never stopped offering; but yet it was comforting on some level knowing she was always there for me.
I remember the day she told me she had cancer. Garrett was one, and I remember driving away in tears, terrified that without her I would not be able to be the kind of mom I had. There was so much I didn't know then, I had so many questions and she became a one of kind teacher. And through the process of one mother showing her daughter to be a mother; I found something more. I found quite quickly and easily that she had become my best friend. And so she was there, answering all my questions. For two years, even through all the chemo & the pain, she was there and she very much became the center of his universe.
At Christmas time when she told us that despite all the different chemos the cancer still grew; I found myself incredulous and panicking a little. Incredulous that this could be happening when there was another baby on the way. How could she be taken without being able to love him as much as she did his older brother? Panicking because how would I ever deal with my own grief as well as Garrett and the new baby? Yet here we are, God has not failed us yet...
She was there with me in the room when both of the boys were born. When Garrett was born she was so strong! I remember her walking into my room, and thinking how great she looked for the middle of the night, she even had time to put eyeshadow on. She drove herslef down to the hospital in the middle of the night, and she never left my side for the entire 3 hours I labored. Wyatt's birth was completely different, this time we had to pick her up; yes in the middle of the night; (she wasn't driving anymore). She sat in a chair on one of the walls.. She was not there to hold my hand through every contraction, she slept through most of them. Only when I would cry out "mommy!" would she rouse herself to come hold my hand. Even as I yelled out for her to take away my pain, I was realizing how crazy that must have sounded to her. But that's what she had always been able to do in the past. Thoughts flooded my mind, thinking things like how could I ever survive labor without her there to soothe me the way only one's own mother can. It was tough on both of us, I had to be slightly more independant, and she was struggling with her own battles but I don't think either of us would have done it differently.
I struggle every day with unfairness of it all. I have two sons who she loved more than anything. One will only remember how sick she was and one will have no memory of her at all. I sometimes feel guilty about that, that somehow I have acted selfishly, but I know it's not true. A few days ago Garrett hurt his foot and the only thing I could think of was how to stop his pain.
It made my heart ache, thinking of how she must feel seeing in this kind of pain, but unable for one of the first times, to help us through it. I sat there in her room, feeling so alone, wanting to tell someone my feelings and I realized that it was Mom I wanted. Today as I kissed her, for I believe the last time, I laughed a little to myself that she still had a bit of eyeshadow on her eyes. The morning 3 weeks ago when she had gone into the hospital, she must have put on her eyeshadow one last time, "I don't go anywhere without it" she would say. No, Mom you don't and it's still there. Everything's as it should be.
I remember the day she told me she had cancer. Garrett was one, and I remember driving away in tears, terrified that without her I would not be able to be the kind of mom I had. There was so much I didn't know then, I had so many questions and she became a one of kind teacher. And through the process of one mother showing her daughter to be a mother; I found something more. I found quite quickly and easily that she had become my best friend. And so she was there, answering all my questions. For two years, even through all the chemo & the pain, she was there and she very much became the center of his universe.
At Christmas time when she told us that despite all the different chemos the cancer still grew; I found myself incredulous and panicking a little. Incredulous that this could be happening when there was another baby on the way. How could she be taken without being able to love him as much as she did his older brother? Panicking because how would I ever deal with my own grief as well as Garrett and the new baby? Yet here we are, God has not failed us yet...
She was there with me in the room when both of the boys were born. When Garrett was born she was so strong! I remember her walking into my room, and thinking how great she looked for the middle of the night, she even had time to put eyeshadow on. She drove herslef down to the hospital in the middle of the night, and she never left my side for the entire 3 hours I labored. Wyatt's birth was completely different, this time we had to pick her up; yes in the middle of the night; (she wasn't driving anymore). She sat in a chair on one of the walls.. She was not there to hold my hand through every contraction, she slept through most of them. Only when I would cry out "mommy!" would she rouse herself to come hold my hand. Even as I yelled out for her to take away my pain, I was realizing how crazy that must have sounded to her. But that's what she had always been able to do in the past. Thoughts flooded my mind, thinking things like how could I ever survive labor without her there to soothe me the way only one's own mother can. It was tough on both of us, I had to be slightly more independant, and she was struggling with her own battles but I don't think either of us would have done it differently.
I struggle every day with unfairness of it all. I have two sons who she loved more than anything. One will only remember how sick she was and one will have no memory of her at all. I sometimes feel guilty about that, that somehow I have acted selfishly, but I know it's not true. A few days ago Garrett hurt his foot and the only thing I could think of was how to stop his pain.
It made my heart ache, thinking of how she must feel seeing in this kind of pain, but unable for one of the first times, to help us through it. I sat there in her room, feeling so alone, wanting to tell someone my feelings and I realized that it was Mom I wanted. Today as I kissed her, for I believe the last time, I laughed a little to myself that she still had a bit of eyeshadow on her eyes. The morning 3 weeks ago when she had gone into the hospital, she must have put on her eyeshadow one last time, "I don't go anywhere without it" she would say. No, Mom you don't and it's still there. Everything's as it should be.
With Hope
This is not at all how
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope '
Cause we know our goodbye is not the end,
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything God promised us is true, so ...
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
*Steven Curtis Chapman
We thought it was supposed to be
We had so many plans for you
We had so many dreams
And now you've gone away
And left us with the memories of your smile
And nothing we can say
And nothing we can do
Can take away the pain
The pain of losing you, but ...
We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope '
Cause we know our goodbye is not the end,
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope
(There's a place by God's grace)
There's a place where we'll see your face again
We'll see your face again
And never have I known
Anything so hard to understand
And never have I questioned more
The wisdom of God's plan
But through the cloud of tears
I see the Father's smile and say well done
And I imagine you
Where you wanted most to be
Seeing all your dreams come true
'Cause now you're home
And now you're free, and ...
We have this hope as an anchor
'Cause we believe that everything God promised us is true, so ...
We wait with hope
And we ache with hope
We hold on with hope
We let go with hope
*Steven Curtis Chapman
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