missing Mom....

This week has been a tough one for me. There are so many things that just would have made this week easier if I had been able to talk to her. We decided to do Thanksgiving festivites here, with Tim's folks, instead of going and doing the big family thing. Mostly, I realize, because I didn't think I could handle all that; it's just too much this year.

So I pulled out my box of recipes (now full because hers are in there too)....thought I'd make squash raised rolls, or "egg" rolls, as I called them for the majority of my childhood; but I didn't understand the recipe. Later that night, I cried. I told myself it was because I didn't know if I ever taste them again. Even as I tried to convince of this, I knew I was crying because she would never show me how. The loneliness through this preparation for tomorrow is stifling. I settled for plain rolls but apparently I needed her help in this too--but I'm hoping they can be salvaged.

It's not about the food I know that. I never really felt cheated after she died but now I feel as though there were still so many things I never did with her, or things she never showed. I'm feeling inadequate. Stupid things, like the infamous Beckwith raspberry pie that she didn't show me how to make; tend to make me very upset.

I drove home today in tears for no particular reason. I'd like to blame it on the stress of the week, but I know that's not it. I'm still waiting for the day when I can stop being so verklempt and not teary; still waiting...I know it's the season to be thankful, but I'm having a really hard time with it this year. I have so many things to be thankful--a wonderful husband, two great kids and many other things, but I'm really finding it all a little trite this year.

Garrett and the Crayola Facotry

On Saturday, we took a roadtrip to Easton and took G to the Crayola Factory. Because money isn't something we have oodles of, and to teach him that one can't have everything, he was given the choice of the circus (which I was silently dreading taking Wy to) or the crayon factory. He chose the latter.

He's so subdued at places like this. So shy and quiet, it's hard to tell if he's having a good time. He may look like Tim, but he is so much like me! There was a clear plexi-glass wall with markers. I thought Garrett would love to "draw" on it. I took him over to the wall and I noticed, but didn't say anything to him, that there wasn't much room to write. He was very hesitant and told me he wasn't going to write on the wall because it was "bad". I told him I would do it first. His response, as he covered his eyes with his hands: "Momma don't do it! I can't even watch!!" Finally, Tim got him to try it, but even then he was upset because there were no "clean spots to draw on"; to which Tim rolled his eyes....but I completely understood his frustration!!

Then Tim took him into the "art room". I sat outside with Wy, looking at these kids coming out with finger paints on them and their parents and thought bad thoughts. Next thing I look in and G's coloring at a table. Tim said he didn't want to get dirty....good boy!!

Last stop was the area with sidewalk chalk. Unlike the other stops this one was deserted and G was the only one there. He was coloring and making "O's" and next thing I know he's cleaning up. He turns and says to me "this is a mess and they are going to break. I'll put them away, is that a good idea?

He really did have a good time. He hasn't stopped coloring since we got home. He's a good egg.

I found the quilt!

my boys!!