missing Mom....

This week has been a tough one for me. There are so many things that just would have made this week easier if I had been able to talk to her. We decided to do Thanksgiving festivites here, with Tim's folks, instead of going and doing the big family thing. Mostly, I realize, because I didn't think I could handle all that; it's just too much this year.

So I pulled out my box of recipes (now full because hers are in there too)....thought I'd make squash raised rolls, or "egg" rolls, as I called them for the majority of my childhood; but I didn't understand the recipe. Later that night, I cried. I told myself it was because I didn't know if I ever taste them again. Even as I tried to convince of this, I knew I was crying because she would never show me how. The loneliness through this preparation for tomorrow is stifling. I settled for plain rolls but apparently I needed her help in this too--but I'm hoping they can be salvaged.

It's not about the food I know that. I never really felt cheated after she died but now I feel as though there were still so many things I never did with her, or things she never showed. I'm feeling inadequate. Stupid things, like the infamous Beckwith raspberry pie that she didn't show me how to make; tend to make me very upset.

I drove home today in tears for no particular reason. I'd like to blame it on the stress of the week, but I know that's not it. I'm still waiting for the day when I can stop being so verklempt and not teary; still waiting...I know it's the season to be thankful, but I'm having a really hard time with it this year. I have so many things to be thankful--a wonderful husband, two great kids and many other things, but I'm really finding it all a little trite this year.