Here it is...I am going to attempt to write something down in this blog once a week. That's a huge commitment for me, but I shall try?

Does this post count as this week's?

still learning...

When I was younger, around 10 or so; I would go to Camp of the Nations for a week. I began going with a friend and after that was able to pick which week I wanted to go based on who the special speakers were. It was a camp that neither Tim or Tami had gone to, and so that alone made it special since it was something that was distinctly "mine". It's strange the memories we are able to retain. Most things about my camp days are foggy at best, but a few things are still very vivid and probably always will be.

This one week in particular just "happened" to be the week that they bused in the "underprivileged city kids". I like to think that if Mom had known it "their" week, she would have talked me into going for a different week. I was still very shy at that point and Mom never did stop being protective of her children.

I don't recall the girls' name, but I remember her very well. She was two years younger than me, with exceptionally dark skin, the obligatory "city" corn rows and to be honest; she frightened me a little bit. But for some reason she liked me and sought me out to hang out with her and her friends. Nothing made me more uncomfortable , but I wanted them to like me because I was afraid of them. Then one afternoon, I was in the cabin by myself; though I'm not sure why since that rarely happened. She came bursting through the door and asked me where our counselor was. So I told her, but I guess she was looking for the other one (each cabin had two). When I told her I didn't know where she was, she punched me in the gut and demanded I go to find her.

So I did just that. It never occurred to me to tell anyone what had happened in the cabin. But I do remember being shocked that no one simply sensed it, and mostly I was just shocked that she had gotten away with it. Later that night, I remember we were standing under the zip line and her asking something of me. In a moment of sheer bravery, or perhaps stupidity, I told her to do it herself. Her response to me was another punch. I have to admit this time it was almost "welcomed" because we were surrounded by people and surely she wouldn't get away with it this time. But again she did. I felt very unimportant after that and was dreading the rest of the week. Needless to say, I did everything that she asked of me. I hated everything about that week and was relieved when Mom and Linda showed up to take us home (Tim Hoal went with me).

I don't know as I ever told anyone about what happened to me that week. At some point, I did tell Tim, though I'm not quite sure what prompted me to do so. I never really gave it much thought; it didn't define who I was or how I chose to live my life. But maybe it's shaped me more than I had thought.

This girl never really crossed my mind until I went back to work after having the baby. A woman started while I was out that bears a resemblance to her. I even contemplated it being the same person, but my co worker is 20yrs my senior. But she has the same remarkably dark skin, and has a very ignorant attitude. Up until recently, I was striving so hard to please her, even though in the back of my mind I was afraid of her. But all this was to no avail. I've let this woman borrow things, given her things, and even baked her a cake for her courthouse wedding. But this was all to no avail. She went out of her way to avoid me and make me feel uncomfortable. It was so bizarre and foolish that it was funny.

At first it really did bother me. But then it occurred to me that there were repercussions for someone punching me now; which I think was my ultimate fear. There is a definite difference between ignorance and stupidity and she isn't stupid. Once I began to realize that she couldn't hurt me a lot began to change, and as abruptly as this "feud" started, it was over and she was talking to me again.

I think it's in our nature to desire for people to like us. But I think I take it to the next level. If I know someone doesn't like me I will bend over backwards to try to win their approval. I will become anxious and nervous until I change their minds. But this most recent episode taught me bunches. I did everything in my power to please her and yet for nearly two months when I walked into a room, she would walk out. I will not be mean, but I will be more guarded. To be honest, I don't know which attitude is more biblical, but I do know forcing people to like you is exhausting and rarely works.

Garrett's birthday in a nutshell....

We had big plans for the day. First up, he wanted to go Dunkin Donuts to eat a donut inside; that we went inside was a big deal. We had a coupon for a free meal at Red Robin (for his birthday) and then we were going to head to Toys R Us. That was the plan.

In the end, he was perhaps too anxious to get to the rest of the festivities of the day, that he didn't want to go into Dunkin. "You can go in if you want to, but I'll stay here, otherwise there's a drivethru." Next we went to the toystore. We have quite the ritual when we go there. It involves going to play with the train table, then going over to the power wheels and playing on those. We started the ritual in the usual manner, but once we were done with the trains; we detoured to pick out new underwear, Handy Manny for all who were wondering.

Then we went over to the Power Wheels...Garrett practically drools over these every time. But those buggers are pricey. "How bout I save up money to buy one of these, just like Curious George did when he wanted the boat?" Kay, great, I do give him money here and there because he is turning into a great help--sweeping, mopping, and shovelling without being asked. He picked out the Escalade for the one he would like to save up for; hey at least he dreams big. So now he is $300 some away from his purchase....

Then we went to Red Robin for lunch. Since he is now 4, he decided what he was going to get and told me he was going to order it himself. Sure enough, when the girl came over, "I'd like chicken fingers and apple slices. Thank you" He's so big now! They came out and sang to him and gave him balloons and ice cream; which made his day.

He was so grown up today. It's hard to believe that just 4 years ago he was a newborn, on some level it seems so long ago and then other times, it seems like last week. Tim's mom kept the baby so it was just the two of us. I truly enjoyed spending the day with him. He cracked me up; at one point in the day, I asked him how he was and he said "I think I'm perfect". He's such a good kid and I'm so blessed.

my ramblings about Mom

Today I allowed myself to listen to a song that, normally when I hear it, I switch the station. Not because I don't like it but because I identify with it way too much. Here are the lyrics (the song is by Matthew West):

Don't be mad if I cry/It just hurts so bad sometimes/'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again/You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now/I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you/Save a place for me/Save a place for me/I'll be there soon/I'll be there soon/Save a place for me/Save some grace for meI'll be there soonI'll be there soon/I have asked the question why/But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear/And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did/Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky/Just like you did/Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

I don't know why exactly but I've really been missing Mom, and quite emotional about it if I let myself dwell on it. I'm sure there are lots of factors. This Thursday, Garrett will be four; but it will also mark 6 months that Mom is gone. Wyatt is nine months now and loving life. He is so much fun right now; and I know if she were here, she would eat it up. Or it could simply be the sunshine, and my flower catalogs that are in my mailbox every day.

Well needless to say I cried like a baby on the way home. It's so odd, when Mom was in hospice, it was imperative for me to be there as much as was possible. When her eyes would open, the room stopped, and I hung on every word that she said. I felt loved and special if she had something to say to just me. I told myself that those times would be what I would cling to and I promised myself that I wouldn't forget. I haven't forgotten, but a strange thing has happened. I very rarely think about those weeks, not because of the pain involved with it, but rather, when I think of Mom, that is not what comes to mind.

The things that I look back on and incidentally are always running through my mind, are so common place, it's profound. It's taking those catalogs to the house, pouring over them and dreaming; and then paring it down to what we could afford/had the energy to plant. It's little things that G will tell me about, that I never knew of, that put a smile on my face. I miss the everyday with her.

One of things that struck me at the memorial service was how many people stood up and said how they felt like they had lost their best friend. It really was overwhelming to me. At that moment, I felt extremely privileged that God chose me to be one of her children. I was so thankful for all those years that I was able to spend with her, and felt extremely loved by God. It's taken me nearly six months to understand that at her service is one of those times I felt God wrapping His arms around me.

Day 5...#2

I think it's getting better. This sounds gross, I know, but honestly what part of this hasn't been nasty? Anyway my lips are starting to peel, I guess that's not better, but it seems as though it is. The new skin isn't painful numb or nasty looking....so I guess it is

Day 5

Garrett said to me today "Mommy what happened to your Chapstick? I think you need to use some, your lips look bad."

When I told him it had oil in it (a simplification, I know), he told that yucky and not to use it again....

I'm still numb and they are numb and look nasty, but I can only hope that I'm on the home stretch...

Day 3....

My lips are starting to crack, and more importantly are starting to look bad. I feel as though my bottom lip is swollen, but I'm not sure if it's true or just feels that way. The good news is that the burning sensation is gone now; and replaced by numbness. The skin feels very tight, like if I were to smile too big (and I just may with the thought of being able to sleep past 5 what with the weekend and all), they would crack open. My bottom lip actually does have a small cut but it doesn't bother me that much. Now, instead of having an overwhelming desire to eat, I now dread it. I'm afraid to open my mouth even the slightest bit in fear of more cracking and most flavors irritate what is already cracked.I still have the cursed chapstick and was very tempted last night but didn't use it. But it's definitely better than it was 2 days ago. I was tempted to get stuff at the health food store but still am nauseated at the thought of eating the junk.

Day 1....

No, I have'nt thrownaay my beloved chapstick, just not ready for that move yet. But neither have I touched. Just the thought that it's still there is somehow comforting...My lips feel extremely chapped and even inflamed, though they don't look as abnormal as they feel to me. I was even hesitant eating dinner because it felt as though my lips were going to split open. All day I kept thinking of how much they hurt, I just felt the need to munch (and I'm proud to say I mostly resisted!). Now I understand why smokers always gain weight when they quit. You just feel like you need something to take your mind off it, and food is the most tangible option most times. Who knew one would go through actual withdrawl from something like chapstick? Supposedly Chapstick stops your lips from producing its own moisturizers; I'm hoping my lips relearn it in record time cuz this hurts!

The reason behind it all...

When I was home sick from work yesterday, I watched the Dr. Oz Show. One of the segments was about lip gloss/chapstick. Following is a link to the the website's corresponding article, it's "don't gloss over it:

http://http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/price-beauty?page=2#copy

So given the fact that I was completely grossed out by the 7 lbs. thing and the breast cancer thing; I have decided to give up the chapstick. I've heard that you become addicted to it, and I'm dreading withdrawl...