Garrett's birthday in a nutshell....

We had big plans for the day. First up, he wanted to go Dunkin Donuts to eat a donut inside; that we went inside was a big deal. We had a coupon for a free meal at Red Robin (for his birthday) and then we were going to head to Toys R Us. That was the plan.

In the end, he was perhaps too anxious to get to the rest of the festivities of the day, that he didn't want to go into Dunkin. "You can go in if you want to, but I'll stay here, otherwise there's a drivethru." Next we went to the toystore. We have quite the ritual when we go there. It involves going to play with the train table, then going over to the power wheels and playing on those. We started the ritual in the usual manner, but once we were done with the trains; we detoured to pick out new underwear, Handy Manny for all who were wondering.

Then we went over to the Power Wheels...Garrett practically drools over these every time. But those buggers are pricey. "How bout I save up money to buy one of these, just like Curious George did when he wanted the boat?" Kay, great, I do give him money here and there because he is turning into a great help--sweeping, mopping, and shovelling without being asked. He picked out the Escalade for the one he would like to save up for; hey at least he dreams big. So now he is $300 some away from his purchase....

Then we went to Red Robin for lunch. Since he is now 4, he decided what he was going to get and told me he was going to order it himself. Sure enough, when the girl came over, "I'd like chicken fingers and apple slices. Thank you" He's so big now! They came out and sang to him and gave him balloons and ice cream; which made his day.

He was so grown up today. It's hard to believe that just 4 years ago he was a newborn, on some level it seems so long ago and then other times, it seems like last week. Tim's mom kept the baby so it was just the two of us. I truly enjoyed spending the day with him. He cracked me up; at one point in the day, I asked him how he was and he said "I think I'm perfect". He's such a good kid and I'm so blessed.

my ramblings about Mom

Today I allowed myself to listen to a song that, normally when I hear it, I switch the station. Not because I don't like it but because I identify with it way too much. Here are the lyrics (the song is by Matthew West):

Don't be mad if I cry/It just hurts so bad sometimes/'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again/You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now/I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you/Save a place for me/Save a place for me/I'll be there soon/I'll be there soon/Save a place for me/Save some grace for meI'll be there soonI'll be there soon/I have asked the question why/But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear/And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life just like you did/Make the most of my time just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky/Just like you did/Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

I don't know why exactly but I've really been missing Mom, and quite emotional about it if I let myself dwell on it. I'm sure there are lots of factors. This Thursday, Garrett will be four; but it will also mark 6 months that Mom is gone. Wyatt is nine months now and loving life. He is so much fun right now; and I know if she were here, she would eat it up. Or it could simply be the sunshine, and my flower catalogs that are in my mailbox every day.

Well needless to say I cried like a baby on the way home. It's so odd, when Mom was in hospice, it was imperative for me to be there as much as was possible. When her eyes would open, the room stopped, and I hung on every word that she said. I felt loved and special if she had something to say to just me. I told myself that those times would be what I would cling to and I promised myself that I wouldn't forget. I haven't forgotten, but a strange thing has happened. I very rarely think about those weeks, not because of the pain involved with it, but rather, when I think of Mom, that is not what comes to mind.

The things that I look back on and incidentally are always running through my mind, are so common place, it's profound. It's taking those catalogs to the house, pouring over them and dreaming; and then paring it down to what we could afford/had the energy to plant. It's little things that G will tell me about, that I never knew of, that put a smile on my face. I miss the everyday with her.

One of things that struck me at the memorial service was how many people stood up and said how they felt like they had lost their best friend. It really was overwhelming to me. At that moment, I felt extremely privileged that God chose me to be one of her children. I was so thankful for all those years that I was able to spend with her, and felt extremely loved by God. It's taken me nearly six months to understand that at her service is one of those times I felt God wrapping His arms around me.

Day 5...#2

I think it's getting better. This sounds gross, I know, but honestly what part of this hasn't been nasty? Anyway my lips are starting to peel, I guess that's not better, but it seems as though it is. The new skin isn't painful numb or nasty looking....so I guess it is

Day 5

Garrett said to me today "Mommy what happened to your Chapstick? I think you need to use some, your lips look bad."

When I told him it had oil in it (a simplification, I know), he told that yucky and not to use it again....

I'm still numb and they are numb and look nasty, but I can only hope that I'm on the home stretch...

Day 3....

My lips are starting to crack, and more importantly are starting to look bad. I feel as though my bottom lip is swollen, but I'm not sure if it's true or just feels that way. The good news is that the burning sensation is gone now; and replaced by numbness. The skin feels very tight, like if I were to smile too big (and I just may with the thought of being able to sleep past 5 what with the weekend and all), they would crack open. My bottom lip actually does have a small cut but it doesn't bother me that much. Now, instead of having an overwhelming desire to eat, I now dread it. I'm afraid to open my mouth even the slightest bit in fear of more cracking and most flavors irritate what is already cracked.I still have the cursed chapstick and was very tempted last night but didn't use it. But it's definitely better than it was 2 days ago. I was tempted to get stuff at the health food store but still am nauseated at the thought of eating the junk.

Day 1....

No, I have'nt thrownaay my beloved chapstick, just not ready for that move yet. But neither have I touched. Just the thought that it's still there is somehow comforting...My lips feel extremely chapped and even inflamed, though they don't look as abnormal as they feel to me. I was even hesitant eating dinner because it felt as though my lips were going to split open. All day I kept thinking of how much they hurt, I just felt the need to munch (and I'm proud to say I mostly resisted!). Now I understand why smokers always gain weight when they quit. You just feel like you need something to take your mind off it, and food is the most tangible option most times. Who knew one would go through actual withdrawl from something like chapstick? Supposedly Chapstick stops your lips from producing its own moisturizers; I'm hoping my lips relearn it in record time cuz this hurts!

The reason behind it all...

When I was home sick from work yesterday, I watched the Dr. Oz Show. One of the segments was about lip gloss/chapstick. Following is a link to the the website's corresponding article, it's "don't gloss over it:

http://http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/price-beauty?page=2#copy

So given the fact that I was completely grossed out by the 7 lbs. thing and the breast cancer thing; I have decided to give up the chapstick. I've heard that you become addicted to it, and I'm dreading withdrawl...