still learning...

When I was younger, around 10 or so; I would go to Camp of the Nations for a week. I began going with a friend and after that was able to pick which week I wanted to go based on who the special speakers were. It was a camp that neither Tim or Tami had gone to, and so that alone made it special since it was something that was distinctly "mine". It's strange the memories we are able to retain. Most things about my camp days are foggy at best, but a few things are still very vivid and probably always will be.

This one week in particular just "happened" to be the week that they bused in the "underprivileged city kids". I like to think that if Mom had known it "their" week, she would have talked me into going for a different week. I was still very shy at that point and Mom never did stop being protective of her children.

I don't recall the girls' name, but I remember her very well. She was two years younger than me, with exceptionally dark skin, the obligatory "city" corn rows and to be honest; she frightened me a little bit. But for some reason she liked me and sought me out to hang out with her and her friends. Nothing made me more uncomfortable , but I wanted them to like me because I was afraid of them. Then one afternoon, I was in the cabin by myself; though I'm not sure why since that rarely happened. She came bursting through the door and asked me where our counselor was. So I told her, but I guess she was looking for the other one (each cabin had two). When I told her I didn't know where she was, she punched me in the gut and demanded I go to find her.

So I did just that. It never occurred to me to tell anyone what had happened in the cabin. But I do remember being shocked that no one simply sensed it, and mostly I was just shocked that she had gotten away with it. Later that night, I remember we were standing under the zip line and her asking something of me. In a moment of sheer bravery, or perhaps stupidity, I told her to do it herself. Her response to me was another punch. I have to admit this time it was almost "welcomed" because we were surrounded by people and surely she wouldn't get away with it this time. But again she did. I felt very unimportant after that and was dreading the rest of the week. Needless to say, I did everything that she asked of me. I hated everything about that week and was relieved when Mom and Linda showed up to take us home (Tim Hoal went with me).

I don't know as I ever told anyone about what happened to me that week. At some point, I did tell Tim, though I'm not quite sure what prompted me to do so. I never really gave it much thought; it didn't define who I was or how I chose to live my life. But maybe it's shaped me more than I had thought.

This girl never really crossed my mind until I went back to work after having the baby. A woman started while I was out that bears a resemblance to her. I even contemplated it being the same person, but my co worker is 20yrs my senior. But she has the same remarkably dark skin, and has a very ignorant attitude. Up until recently, I was striving so hard to please her, even though in the back of my mind I was afraid of her. But all this was to no avail. I've let this woman borrow things, given her things, and even baked her a cake for her courthouse wedding. But this was all to no avail. She went out of her way to avoid me and make me feel uncomfortable. It was so bizarre and foolish that it was funny.

At first it really did bother me. But then it occurred to me that there were repercussions for someone punching me now; which I think was my ultimate fear. There is a definite difference between ignorance and stupidity and she isn't stupid. Once I began to realize that she couldn't hurt me a lot began to change, and as abruptly as this "feud" started, it was over and she was talking to me again.

I think it's in our nature to desire for people to like us. But I think I take it to the next level. If I know someone doesn't like me I will bend over backwards to try to win their approval. I will become anxious and nervous until I change their minds. But this most recent episode taught me bunches. I did everything in my power to please her and yet for nearly two months when I walked into a room, she would walk out. I will not be mean, but I will be more guarded. To be honest, I don't know which attitude is more biblical, but I do know forcing people to like you is exhausting and rarely works.